Frustrated

Word of warning, this is a rant.  It's a way for me to "just write" and get things off my chest to hopefully move on and feel a little better.

I'm just frustrated.  With life.  With our finances.  Despite the fact that it would seem my entire life story is splashed across your Facebook feed and this blog, I actually hold quite a bit back.  But I've come to the point with this situation where I think writing will help.  The problem is trivial, but is really bothering me.

To be blunt...I am tired of having no money.  We are a two income household, we both work FT during the week and both work extra, when possible, to bring in even more.  I really thought it would get easier when we started our new jobs in August.  But due to never ending medical bills and credit card bills, from trying to make ends meet for so long, we STILL have zero money.  We STILL overdraft onto that credit card at least once a month.  It's so incredibly frustrating!  We both bring in decent salaries from our jobs and therefor make too much to qualify for any help.  Yet just buying groceries for our family is a struggle every week.

One aspect that bothers me is that we can't do anything "extra" for our kids or ourselves.  This will be the second year in a row that we have not been able to go to a Pumpkin Patch or Fall Festival.  The second year with no pumpkins to carve as a family.  The second year with homemade and reused costumes.  Not because we want to, but because we can't afford to buy them costumes.  It's such a little thing, but something we took for granted would happen in the past.  I know it's not a necessity for our children to have these things, BUT...I want it for them sooo badly.

Over the last few weeks a mouse/mice has destroyed three pairs of winter boots and both kids' backpacks.  We don't have the money to buy ourselves, Justin and I, new boots.  Getting Adam boots was already necessary and thank goodness we have another pair to fit Noelle.  Clearly the kids HAVE to have backpacks for school.  A friend gave us an old one of her daughter's that they no longer used and Adam will use one we have around that was Justin's from over ten years ago.  It'll work, but I wish we were able to take them to the store and let them pick backpacks that they want to use.  Again, not a necessity,  but a want on my part.

You might think to yourself, "Well you just went to Texas, how did you afford that?  Why did you go?"  Wow, that trip was stressful.  Let me tell you, it's HARD to go on vacation when you have no money.  Justin and Noelle were both invited to be in the wedding and it was Justin's brother so we wanted to be there.   We didn't feel the trip was an option and cut costs any way we could.   We brought food for the drive so we wouldn't eat out.  We bought food for the hotel.  We turned down outings.  AND, the entire trip went on the credit card.  There was no other way to afford it.  It was very hard.

It's easy for someone to say, "Well, such and such only costs so much.  Just get a new one." or "Why don't you just buy this or that, I'd be easier."  It's hard to say I CAN'T.  Especially when the person is a well meaning family member.  It's not easy to talk of finances.  I naturally want to hind that we struggle and pretend everything is peachy-keen.

I think as a parent it is ingrained in me to want the best for my kids.  It's really hard to face the reality of not being able to do that.  I'm working on the acceptance part, but it's hard and slow going.

There's so much more, but I'm weary and sad.  I try not to think about everything we can't do and embrace what we can.  It's a work in progress.

Quick walk

 I took the girls for a walk today since I wanted to check out the neighborhood pool and park.  The park was perfect!  Not too far away and they had baby swings which is always a plus.  The pool is at the same location and looked AWESOME!!  There are two pools but even though the gate was open I didn't want to get in trouble by going in.  I'm hoping the second pool is a toddler pool though cause that would be really neat.  Now I'm looking forward to next summer so I can take the girls swimming and to play at the park.  They can't do any more than this right now:

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Hoppa

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Yeah.

Gorgeous Lily

I bet you thought it was going to be a picture of Lily, right?!  LOL!

Our friends sent me this picture of the first Lily to bloom in their yard this year.  It is so beautiful and vibrant.  Now I want some for my own yard.

I've got a clean desk top!

So do you remember this from just a few days ago:

I worked hard during the Grey's finale (it wasn't all that great anyway) and today to make it look like this:

It feels great to actually be sitting at my desk typing this.  Now let's see how long I can make it last.

I do still have more work to do though.  Mainly it is cleaning out the filing drawer to shred unimportant billing statements that are not marked 2012.  After that everything in the clear tub to the right on my desk will get filed in the drawer.

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That is bird poop.  I was innocently driving down the road when it happened.  Not sure what I did to offend the bird who so rudely dropped it on my windshield. And yes, I had to watch it streak up my windshield as I drove.  Yuck.  Even Noelle was disgusted by that.

I should have taken that and the incident 2 minutes earlier as an omen.  That first incident?  I needed to get over to the right a couple lanes.  When nobody would let me over I slowed down so I wouldn't miss my turn.  The person behind me was so impatient that they cut to the right real quick and raced around me.  Seriously.  I yelled a naughty word.  Then I had to apologize and explain to Noelle that what I said was not nice or acceptable.  Then I drove right through the parking lot and back out to the street.  I didn't have time to wait in the huge line I could easily see through the window.

I dropped Noelle at school and went to a Starbucks closer to work that is always real quick if I go inside.


Got to work and fed Little Man a great breakfast, which is not an easy feat.  Within 10 minutes he proceeded to puke ALL of it back up.  He keeps getting constipated and pushes so hard to attempt to poop that he pukes up anything in his stomach.  It is literally driving me insane!!  It's made worse by the fact that he is VERY underweight at this point and I work very hard to get good meals into him.

The rest of my work day went fine until 5:40pm when I was giving him a bottle.  He didn't want any more after about 3-3 1/2 ounces so I was capping the bottle when he proceeded to throw up all of it in my lap.  So not kidding here.  And it was not due to pooping.  All it takes is one bite/drink too many for this kid to bring back up whatever you just got in him.  I walk a very fine line feeding him.  Thank god I had made a full formula bottle instead of part formula and part whole cow milk like I should have.  (I was trying to cut back on the dairy in my desperation to get his poop to soften up.)  I can live with formula smell.  If it had been cow milk I may have thrown up myself.  As a side note:  I don't do throw up.  I literally spend the whole time cleaning it up gagging and trying not to puke myself.  So anyway, my entire lap and crotch/butt was soaked with formula.  Had to live with it till I got home too.

I went through the Starbucks drive through on my way home.

Is it Friday yet??

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My current project.

I would LOVE to actually be able to use my desk for scrap booking.

First I have to sort, organize, and file the heck out of it.

Birthday Celebration

We had Sheri, Stef, and Steve over for dinner Friday evening to celebrate mine, Justin, and Adam's birthdays.  Justin grilled up some hamburgers to go with the potato salad, baked beans, and chips that they brought with them.  We also enjoyed yummy marble cake.

The kids recently got Apples to Apples Junior so we played a rousing game, LOL!  There are a lot of food cards in there and I seemed to get them all.  It got to the point that anytime a food was put down everyone looked at me!  We had a great time and need to do it again soon.  Thanks again for coming down to spend the evening with us!

I hadn't realized Noelle was taking pictures of the evening until I unloaded the camera this morning.  Some are blurry since it was Noelle taking pics.

Auntie Stef

 Stef and Steve

(Also, it might be time to take down the birthday stuff from Adam's party a month ago.)

I was clueless as to what was going on!!

I guess the forks were interesting?

 

LOL!!

Lily and her Auntie Stef!  (I actually took this one.)  She was SOOO tired from a busy afternoon and evening.  Every time anyone but myself or J held her she got all pouty and started crying.  Poor kiddo.

Spring Glasses

The Spring Glasses photo shoot did NOT go well.  See for yourself.  It's okay to laugh, we did.

Cousins M and E

Happy Spring!

Religion and Faith

Religion has never played a role in my life.  I didn't grow up "as" anything. 

Towards the end of elementary school my step-mom tried to get our family to go to church regularly.  It didn't work.  In middle school I can remember going to church with a friend from my neighborhood.  I enjoyed going with her to youth group on Wednesday evenings and even went to a retreat with her one summer in middle school.  I had fun and do recall becoming very emotional and upset during the presentation of Jesus dying for our sins.  I'm sure I continued attending church with her family after that, but eventually we entered high school and soon after parted as friends.  The older I became the less I cared about religion.  As an adult I'm still unsure what my beliefs even are!  (You would think I could have figured that out by now.) 

When my oldest child was born I knew that any questions he had would be directed to my friends who have faith and strong beliefs.  The last thing I would want to do is give him wrong information.  And I do want my children to make their own decisions regarding what to believe in.  To succeed in that they will need accurate info.  My older two children actually attended Christian preschools for short times.  Adam for a full school year and Noelle for half.

Despite the fact that I don't claim to "have faith" I greatly admire my friends who do.  I appreciate that they pray for me, that they want me to believe, and that they have such strong faith to ground them.

Maybe, some day, I will too.

This post is inspired by I AM FORBIDDEN by Anouk Markovits. Though not sisters by blood but through their Hasidic faith, Mila and Atara view the rules and structure of their culture differently. Mila seeks comfort in the Torah while Atara searches for answers in secular literature she is forbidden to read. Ultimately each must make an irrevocable decision that will change their lives forever. 

To learn more about the Hasidic faith this book is based in read this post by From Left to Write member Robin of The Not-Ever-Still Life.

Join From Left to Write on May 8 as we discuss I AM FORBIDDEN. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

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CUTE!!

Package from GoGo squeez that I won on Earth day.  The apple strawberry was very good, except for the first taste.  For some reason neither Noelle or I liked the very first mouthful from it.

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Just some of the coolest socks ever!!  

You know you want some, just admit it.

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Two things here:

1-The marketing director should be fired immediately

2-Thanks, but I think I'll stick with the banking institution I'm already at.  At least they know how to spell.

FAIL!

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Went scrap booking with some friends and saw this goose hanging out in a planter on our way to grab some dinner.  It didn't seem bothered by the pouring rain.  Earlier in the evening when I had driven into the strip mall I saw his standing in the middle of the sidewalk.

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Impressive!

Even MORE impressive.  This one is Adam's window.  It looks pretty neat from the inside as well.

Appreciation of Quietness

I finished my second book for From Left to Write!  The Art of Hearing Heartbeats really made me think about how much I value and appreciate quiet now that I have kids of my own.  Early in my days of working as a Nanny I ALWAYS had music on in the background.  I enjoyed the beats and rhythms and believed it was good for the kids to hear.  That whole subconscious learning thing, right?  That has really changed now that I live with noise from children nearly 24/7.  There are still days when I enjoy having background noise from music, but more often than not I really just want pure quiet when there are no kids around to make noise.

Feeling that way I can't imagine what it would be like to depend so highly on my hearing for everyday living.  Tin Win lost his sight as a child and then had to depend on his sense of hearing (and touch) to navigate the world around him.  We are talking super sensitive hearing here.  He can tell who is entering a room based on their heartbeat or the sound of their steps.  He even hears insects.  Yuck!  I don't think I could handle all that.  I really don't need to hear a spider spinning up it's dinner, do you?  Now don't get me wrong, I DO appreciate that I can hear.  I can't imagine not hearing my children's voices or a favorite song on the radio.  I just don't want it to go any further than that.

I think this book gave me a new appreciation for both my sense of hearing and sight.  My eyes allow me to see the world around me, especially my husband and children, and my ears let me enjoy the sounds of my kids singing and chattering away.  I would be completely lost without such things in my life.



When Julia travels to Burma to search for her missing lawyer father, she discovers much more than she expected. Join From Left to Write on February 1 as we discuss The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by Jan-Philipp Sendker. As a member of From Left to Write, I received a copy of the book. All opinions are my own.

A New Job

I've decided I want to apply for a job.

Yes, I already have a job and I LOVE it.  But I only "work" 4 days a week and I really want this other job to cover those other 3 days.  You see, I want to apply to be a Stay At Home Mom.  Just for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  But the thing is that I need some sort of guarantee that the job will actually entail staying...at...home.  I don't want to run around town going to appointments and doing errands.  That's just not what the job title says.  It's very misleading.  Seriously, I'd rather be at "work".  I need some sort of contract, I'll sign by the X, in blood if you ask.  I'm okay with the 24 hours each day, doesn't bother me at all.  I'll happily cook, clean, take care of the kids, the dog, the husband even.  So long as I don't have to leave the house.

On My Mind

Too much!!  That's what's on my mind.


1- I checked the Department of Child Care Services website today and noticed my complaint is filed as "founded" with a severity of 2 (serious), which means "Gross violation of ratios or serious physical injury have been reported."  I'm satisfied with that and it's time to move on.


2- You might be interested to know that I suck at communicating with my husband.  And since he doesn't take criticism well I end up keeping things to myself in order to avoid a fight.  I'm a great communicator with friends and the parent's of children I care for.  Just not when it comes to my husband (or parents).  I often have to find other ways to relieve the tension I feel and hold in regarding problems with Justin.  Writing it out works for me.


I'm having some frustration with my husband's handling of our children.  There, I said it.  I've always been thankful for a partner that is truly a parent with me instead of acting like a babysitter, and I still am.  I love that I am free to work in the evenings and on the weekends, go out with friends, whatever, with out worrying that he will forget to feed the kids or some other stupid thing.  (Yes, I've actually heard of this happening.)  


My (his) problem is a combination of him expecting WAY TOO MUCH and having very little patience lately.  I work so hard to keep a calm voice and have patience with the kids, I admit it freely.  It is easy with other peoples kids, but not my own.   It seems that Justin is constantly yelling/raising his voice now.  If  I can hear him loud and clear downstairs when he is in a nearly closed bathroom with a child upstairs, that's too loud!  You can't expect a child to listen when spoken to calmly if you start by yelling.  And he knows this!! The other part of that is just that he expects too much.  Noelle, at almost 5 years, is held to the same standards as her 7 1/2 year old brother.  Not cool.  I expect a lot from my kids, yes, but I try hard to be reasonable and age appropriate with it.  Adam has always been great at following directions and being responsible, but has been slacking off lately.  I'd say he is acting like a normal 7 year old, attitude and behavior wise.  (We're working on it.)  Justin is REALLY struggling with this.  Lastly, Justin has been frustrated himself by how much everyone is arguing with him.  I finally had to turn it back on him and ask him to consider if HE is the problem there.  I'm not actually having a problem with the Justin or the kids arguing with me.  So it seems to me he needs to look a little closer at his own actions in regards to all of us.  Okay, I got it out, I feel better now!  :)


3- So you know how I mentioned that I accepted the offer to stay with my current Nanny family after Little Girl is born?  Now we have to figure out salary for when I come back from Maternity leave.  Suffice it to say that we came to the table with very different thoughts on what I should be paid.  


Some background.  I work M-Th approx 34 hours a week at my employer's house.  Aside from my regular childcare duties I also do the baby's dishes and laundry, sweep, mop, vacuum, wipe down counters, dust, and 2-3 times a week I cook meals for the parent's dinner.  I am left with a recipe and all ingredients needed to prepare the meal during one of the baby's naps.  Oh, I also home make the baby food veggies.  


I am already very underpaid at under $13 an hour.  So after looking back at previous contracts I came up with a dollar amount for a new salary that would still allow me to "afford" to work.  (Hey, both daycare and B/A care are expensive!  I have to take home SOME money to make it worth my while.)  Turns out my employers were looking at it as a true Nanny share, not child bring along, in which case they would pay me $7.50 an hour.  They realize that's really low and are willing to go higher, but I gather they were thinking $9-10 an hour.  That pay would barely even cover my outgoing childcare costs I have to pay in order to go to work.  I was able to talk to the owner of the Nanny agency I usually work through (this position was through care.com, not Colorado Nanny) today.  She gave me some hints and ideas to think about and talk with the family about when they come back to me after discussing it themselves.  Wish me luck!!


I think that's it!  It feels really good to write it out and empty my head a little.

Whew! Crazy days!

It's been a crazy week!  We were super busy Sunday getting chores done around the house, groceries, haircuts for everyone except me, and lots of organizing on my part.  Justin even made homemade donuts in the morning!!

Noelle decided she wanted her hair cut short again.  They took off about 3 1/2 inches, which took about a year to grow out!!  It looks much better though and she no longer has to have a clip in her hair in order to eat.  The picture shows the length, even though we had to go back on Tuesday evening to have it fixed.  The lady who cut her hair was feeling really bad/sick and just did an awful job.  The front was okay, but the back got longer and longer until it nearly came to a point.  I was very clear that it needed to be all the same length, even though her hair naturally grows faster in the back.  When cut properly the hair at the nape of her neck should only be about 1 inch long or so.  It took about 45 minutes to have a different stylist fix her hair.  Noelle's hair has some serious quirks.  She has the same cowlick her brother has, right at the crown of her head at the natural part, plus her hair is naturally thicker on the right side and made worse by the fact that her natural part adds even MORE hair to that side of her head.  She is NOT an easy or quick cut which is why I normally pay a few extra bucks to take her to Jack and Jill Children's Salon (we went to the local place that Adam and Justin get their hair cut at this time).

I do not envy this child her hair.  I have straight thin hair.  Not ideal, but I don't have to style it.  This works great since I work with kids and always just pull it back in a ponytail.  And seriously, it only takes me 30 minutes to shower and get ready in the mornings.  No make-up, blow dryer, curling iron, etc...  I LOVE it!  Noelle on the other hand has an entire life ahead of her of actually DOING her hair.  She has great hair, but it will need to have a style and actually have something done with it as she gets older.  I'm very curious how Little Girls hair is going to be since Adam and Noelle fully have Justin's thick hair and the exact same cowlick as each other.  I wonder if thick hair is a dominant gene??

Moving on...Monday night was a Den meeting for Adam's Cub Scout group.  They had an extra long meeting in order to practice for Friday's flag ceremony at the Veteran's Day breakfast and still be able to do the other items on the agenda.  Noelle and I were on our own for dinner and getting ready for bed.  I was so stinkin' tired I was falling asleep at the computer while waiting for her to clean up her dishes and get into pj's.  It was only 7pm.

Tuesday night we spent 45 minutes at the hair salon and then rushed home to get Noelle showered off and cook dinner.  We had the pleasure of having my BIL Derrick over for dinner and a late birthday celebration.  We even had frosted homemade donuts!!  (I had frozen the leftover ones from Sunday morning. A quick pop in the microwave and they were ready to go!)  Noelle wanted Derrick to read her bedtime books so she chose Barbie Thumbelina and Dora's Christmas.  These have got to be the girliest books in the whole house, LOL!!  I kinda felt bad for Derrick with the choice of books AND for the fact that reading out loud is NOT easy when it's not something you do normally.  He was a great sport though and Noelle really enjoyed her Uncle D time!

We finally got to relax some on Wednesday night.  I fed the kids an earlier than normal dinner so we could sit down for a family movie night.  We have learned that Adam ...will...not...eat...when in front of the TV.  He can literally take the entire movie to eat SOME of his dinner.  LOL!  We watched Diary of a Whimpy Kid Roderick Rules.  It was a very funny movie!  Adam did get scared by the scene where Greg and Rowley watch The Foot.  We tried to explain to him that it was supposed to be silly, not scary.  He wasn't buying it though and it took a lot of talking to get him into bed.

Justin headed off to the Dermatologist with the kids bright and early this morning.  Noelle was in a mood at home in the morning, but I guess she did great for Dr. Swanson.  They both had the warts on their faces frozen again.  I'm not positive, but I think she wants us to try something else for the fingers and toes this time around instead of the beetle juice we have used the last two times.  I'll have to Justin tonight and find out what's going on.

Friday is going to be another busy day for me.  We have to be at the Elementary school for the Veteran's Day flag ceremony and breakfast by 7:45am.  My brother, Merle, will be joining us as the Veteran in the group.  They had 180 people RSVPed for the breakfast as of Monday.  I'm very curious to see how they are going to seat so many people for an actual breakfast.  (The gym is pretty small compared to what I grew up with.)  After that I have to rush to my 27 week OB appointment by 9am.  This is an OB teach and glucose test appointment, which means I'll be there for over an hour.  Bleh!  But at least I don't have to fast!  I am going to ask them to re-check my thyroid levels again too.  I have been extremely thirsty this week, very odd for me.  Normally, and even through my other pregnancies, I am NOT a drinker.  I can get away with 2-3 glasses of liquid a day.  Earlier this week I drank about 5-6 glasses of water, a coffee, a soda, and a hot tea.  And was still SO THIRSTY at bedtime.  And I can't drink much right before bed since I usually get some reflux that time of day.  It seems like the rest of Friday is free, but I still have lots of normal stuff to get done around the house.

The kids are spending the night with Auntie Stef, Uncle Steve , and Grandma Sheri Saturday night!!  As always, they are super excited and will get to go swimming.  Justin will get some time to himself that evening since I'll be out scrap booking with a bunch of friends!!  I'm really looking forward to it, it's been too long!

I hope you are all having a great week!