Frustrated

Word of warning, this is a rant.  It's a way for me to "just write" and get things off my chest to hopefully move on and feel a little better.

I'm just frustrated.  With life.  With our finances.  Despite the fact that it would seem my entire life story is splashed across your Facebook feed and this blog, I actually hold quite a bit back.  But I've come to the point with this situation where I think writing will help.  The problem is trivial, but is really bothering me.

To be blunt...I am tired of having no money.  We are a two income household, we both work FT during the week and both work extra, when possible, to bring in even more.  I really thought it would get easier when we started our new jobs in August.  But due to never ending medical bills and credit card bills, from trying to make ends meet for so long, we STILL have zero money.  We STILL overdraft onto that credit card at least once a month.  It's so incredibly frustrating!  We both bring in decent salaries from our jobs and therefor make too much to qualify for any help.  Yet just buying groceries for our family is a struggle every week.

One aspect that bothers me is that we can't do anything "extra" for our kids or ourselves.  This will be the second year in a row that we have not been able to go to a Pumpkin Patch or Fall Festival.  The second year with no pumpkins to carve as a family.  The second year with homemade and reused costumes.  Not because we want to, but because we can't afford to buy them costumes.  It's such a little thing, but something we took for granted would happen in the past.  I know it's not a necessity for our children to have these things, BUT...I want it for them sooo badly.

Over the last few weeks a mouse/mice has destroyed three pairs of winter boots and both kids' backpacks.  We don't have the money to buy ourselves, Justin and I, new boots.  Getting Adam boots was already necessary and thank goodness we have another pair to fit Noelle.  Clearly the kids HAVE to have backpacks for school.  A friend gave us an old one of her daughter's that they no longer used and Adam will use one we have around that was Justin's from over ten years ago.  It'll work, but I wish we were able to take them to the store and let them pick backpacks that they want to use.  Again, not a necessity,  but a want on my part.

You might think to yourself, "Well you just went to Texas, how did you afford that?  Why did you go?"  Wow, that trip was stressful.  Let me tell you, it's HARD to go on vacation when you have no money.  Justin and Noelle were both invited to be in the wedding and it was Justin's brother so we wanted to be there.   We didn't feel the trip was an option and cut costs any way we could.   We brought food for the drive so we wouldn't eat out.  We bought food for the hotel.  We turned down outings.  AND, the entire trip went on the credit card.  There was no other way to afford it.  It was very hard.

It's easy for someone to say, "Well, such and such only costs so much.  Just get a new one." or "Why don't you just buy this or that, I'd be easier."  It's hard to say I CAN'T.  Especially when the person is a well meaning family member.  It's not easy to talk of finances.  I naturally want to hind that we struggle and pretend everything is peachy-keen.

I think as a parent it is ingrained in me to want the best for my kids.  It's really hard to face the reality of not being able to do that.  I'm working on the acceptance part, but it's hard and slow going.

There's so much more, but I'm weary and sad.  I try not to think about everything we can't do and embrace what we can.  It's a work in progress.