Two years later when I became pregnant with my second child I was too busy working heavy full time hours and taking care of my son to even think something could go wrong with the baby. Despite a lack of weight gain on my part, I took for granted that she would be born perfectly healthy and full term.
Skip ahead more than 4 years, and 16 months of TTC, and I'm pregnant with my third child. That pregnancy was one big worry after another! Just finding out I was pregnant was a fiasco. It was the Saturday before Memorial day. I had woken with a pain in my right side and it had only gotten worse. A pregnancy test came back positive, but had taken a really long time to give a result. Given the pain in my side I was concerned I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I went to the ER and they confirmed I was pregnant and ran some tests. Definitely NOT ectopic though. I had to go back in on Memorial Day for repeat tests and they said everything was going well. (To this day I still have NO clue what caused the pain, but it went away.)
I was a nervous wreck throughout the entire pregnancy. October, though, was the worst of it. October just happens to be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month. There were posts in remembrance of babies who were miscarried or stillborn all over Facebook. It was too much for me and I *almost* had to block a few friends. I tried to stay off FB instead. But before that it got to me. I was working one day when I couldn't get the baby to wake up and move. I had tried every trick in the book and she wasn't responding. She hadn't moved all day. I was terribly scared and went to the doctor for a heartbeat check and ultrasound. Thank goodness she was fine, just stubborn. I handled the rest of the pregnancy a little better but was so happy when she was finally in my arms and I didn't need to worry anymore if she was okay.
HA! So I thought. I was constantly worried about if she was still breathing in those first weeks. The only way she would sleep those first 2 weeks was in our arms so we took turns resting on the couch with her all night. I was worried sick she would suffocate as we slept. Every time I twitched I had to nudge her until she moved or breathed. Even once we got her to sleep in the co-sleeper I had to put my hand on her every time I woke. It didn't help that she had apnea while sleeping. I don't recall when I finally stopped worrying that her pretty blue eyes wouldn't open in the morning. It was so gradual and now, at 16 months, I don't even need to check on her before I fall asleep at night.
The thought of losing one of my children still creeps up and scares me at times. Especially with the constant reports of pedestrians/bicyclists being hit by cars, school shootings, and kidnappings in the news. I can't help but worry to a degree, but nothing so bad as it was with my Lily Bug.
Adam, Lily, & Noelle 2013
This post was inspired by the novel Those We Love Most by Lee Woodruff. Every family has its secrets and deceptions, but they come to surface after a tragic accident changes the family dynamic forever. Join From Left to Write on June 6 as we discuss Those We Love Most. You can also enter to win a live video chat with Lee Woodruff! As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.